


Holding On

by DegenerateBible



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cigarette Sharing, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:50:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9406331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DegenerateBible/pseuds/DegenerateBible
Summary: “Can you tell us what happened? I know this is hard but can you –“The doctor’s gaze stops him cold. His eyes, red-rimmed and bright in the weak light, shining and blank with unshed tears. Amaro can still remember getting to the apartment, hearing the moans, the plea, the dead body on the living room floor. The phone still tuned to the 911 operator telling him to hold on.Just hold on.





	

He trembles where he sits. The interrogation room cold and damp, the lights occasionally flickering, one already gone dead. There’s drying blood on his shirt, his pants, smeared on his cheek and in his hair. He says nothing. 

Amaro sits across from him, hands clasped on the metal tabletop. 

“Doc?” he says, his voice a crisp whisper. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say to this man covered in blood that is not his own. 

“Can you tell us what happened? I know this is hard but can you –“ 

The doctor’s gaze stops him cold. His eyes, red-rimmed and bright in the weak light, shining and blank with unshed tears. Amaro can still remember getting to the apartment, hearing the moans, the plea, the dead body on the living room floor. The phone still tuned to the 911 operator telling him to hold on.

Just hold on. 

“You know this is hard,” Huang repeats slowly in a tone Amaro’s never heard. Tired and combative. He licks his lips and looks him in the eye. “Tell me, detective. Have you ever had to kill someone as they tried to kill you? Not with gun. With your hands. Someone you know? A patient? Someone you counseled and cared for? Looked them in the face as you ended their life to save your own?” 

Amaro says nothing. His own throat feels raw. He clears it, shifts in his seat, loosens his tie, clasps and unclasps his hands. He thinks, suddenly, of his daughter. His wife. What he would do if someone tried to harm them through ending him. 

“No. No I haven’t,” he says finally. 

“Then please stop talking.” 

The heavy metal door creaks open. 

“I’ll take it from here detective.” 

Amaro stands, looking guilty and relieved. He doesn’t leave though, just stands tall in the corner, looking as though he wants to fold into himself. 

Barba removes his trench coat and casts it across the other man’s back. George says nothing, his stare more hollow than hostile. 

“I’d like to speak to him,” Rafael says, fixing Amaro with the stare that could slice steel. “Privately.” 

Once they’re alone, George sighs, flexes his fingers still stained with blood. 

“I tried to save him,” George says, his brown eyes looking at nothing. “Even after he tried to kill me. Even after I killed him. I still…but I killed him.” His voice, weary and awe-struck. He gazes at his red-stained hands. 

“I’m not going to tell you what I want to,” Rafael says. George looks up. The attorney’s face is haggard in the unforgiving light, his eyes glistening with some emotion the doctor can’t decipher. “If I thought you were like me, I’d say you did the right thing. You shouldn’t feel bad. It was his life or yours. But I know you don’t think like I do. I know your morals have always been better than mine.” 

“Are they going to charge me?” George says, as if he hadn’t heard a thing. 

Barba looks up, a small half-frown on his lips. “Your patient was unstable and prone to acts of violence. He put two shrinks in the hospital when he was in Rikers. It was only a matter of time before he lashed out again.” 

“I sure know how to pick ‘em,” Huang says and Rafael ignores the small bit of hurt it causes, rather smiles at the rare acerbic bite. 

“Yes,” Barba says quietly and takes a sip of his coffee, “I’d say so. But that doesn’t change the fact that no crime occurred here. At least on your part.” 

The doctor gazes at the table. The attorney sips his drink. 

“So what now?” Huang says, “I just keep living my life as though I didn’t just end one in my own home? In my own living room?” 

“You’re the doctor. You tell me,” Barba says and immediately wishes he hadn’t. He straightens, attempts to soften his voice. “First you give your statement. Then I take you home. And before you ask, not yours. You’ll take some time off, so will I –“

“Rafael you can’t –“ 

“Don’t interrupt me doctor,” he says, earning him a small exasperated but affectionate look. “I could use a vacation anyhow.” 

“Alright,” George says, realizing he couldn’t win an argument with this man, even if he wanted to.

“Alright,” Barba echoes, looking directly into the one-way mirror. He nods and seconds later, Amaro walks back into the room. 

Rafael vacates his seat and stands behind his lover. 

George discusses arriving home, finding his patient already there. He’d picked the lock. They found the tools on his body. He’d been irate. Yelling nonsense. Then he’d pulled the knife. 

By the time he finishes telling Amaro about how they’d fallen to the floor, the hands around his neck and how he’d scrambled for the knife his throat feels raw and threatens to close.

Amaro writes it all down, occasionally meeting Barba’s worried gaze with one of his own. He finishes jotting down his notes, thanks the doctor for cooperating and leaves without another word. 

Rafael sits down across from him. He looks him over, assessing his level of emotional exhaustion before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a cigarette. 

“There’s no smoking in here,” George says but watches as he attorney lights it, takes a drag and extends it like a peace offering across the table. 

“I’m sure they’ll make an exception,” Rafael says with a wiry smile. George says nothing and for a while they pass the smoldering stick back and forth in silence. 

They look like two soldiers resting after battle, preparing for battle again. 

“Alright,” Barba says after putting the dying bud in the residual liquid of his takeout coffee cup. 

“Let’s go home.” 

…

Huang expects the stares, the looks of sympathy, of sadness. Fin doesn’t know what to say. Neither does Olivia. Amaro and Rollins feel like they don’t know him enough to comment. 

Warner has come from the Medical Examiner’s office just to see him. The sight of her motherly curls and her sad smile nearly brings him to his knees before her. 

“I’m so sorry George,” she says. When the hug ends he sees Alex Cabot approaching, her blonde hair flying with the quick bounce of her high heels. 

“I came as soon as I heard,” she says and pulls him to her. She whispers fiercely in his ear, “I know you don’t like talking about this kind of thing but I’m here. I love you. Call me tomorrow. Okay? Promise.” 

“I promise,” George says and she withdraws her embrace, looks him over with her electric blue eyes. 

She nods as if satisfied before turning her attention to Barba. “You take care of him.” 

“I will,” Barba replies with a solemn nod, “I will.” 

The 16th precinct is silent as they exit. 

…

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated


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